Frustration

This is going to be another whiny post.

During my studies for ACCA, i was rather miserable.
Cos I felt that I was not enjoying my life.
Constant stress.
Lack of sleep.
Lack of food.
Lack of rest.
Gave up a lot of things - social life, movies, hanging out, tv, sleep, dates, internet.
Almost everything.
All my time and attention just to study so that I wouldn't fail.
I kept thinking "It would be all over once I finish ACCA. Then i can have the life i've always wanted".
Actually, I think i said the same thing during SPM...then STPM.
The cycle repeated at ACCA.
Now I've finished ACCA.. by the grace of God who somehow pulled me through.
Even when I gave up, He never did.
But I see the same cycle repeating.
At work.
Having to give up many things again.
Just to work.
It makes me think "Is this what I want in life?"
I don't want to waste my youth away.
Yet, if I don't strive for something, I feel meaningless.
So, it's an internal struggle again.
I know that if i settle for a simpler job with lower pay, I will be envious of my more successful friend.
But I do long for a simple life.
Maybe i'm just tired now.
Dad keeps warning me not to get burnt out.
But I feel burnt out.
Maybe cos I push myself too hard.
Keep expecting too much out of myself.
I'm so afraid that my life is slipping out of my hands.

Last Sunday, i treated myself to breakfast at Old Town before coming in for breakfast.
On the tv, there were snippets of wise sayings.
Let me paraphrase one of it.
"Life is like a coin. Don't let someone else spend it for you"
Got me thinking.
Am i letting others dictate how i should live?
I want to enjoy life as how God made it to be.

Oh God... I need you.
Jesus, sweet Jesus, I need you so much.

Bex