Claustophobic?

So I spent a night in the hospital.
I expected it to be a relaxing 2 days where I can catch up on my reading.
Or perhaps organise all my photos from Sheffield which I took a YEAR ago and have not been touched ever since I returned to Malaysia.
Or perhaps listen to the sermon that Cheng Yee gave me.
Nopes.
None of that happened.

Reached the hospital at 8.15am.
Went to my room by 8.30am.
Waited for the nurses to take me down to the radiology department for my scan.
That's when my nightmare began.

Had to change it a gown.. which I couldn't figure out how to tie.
I asked the nurse for assistance.
Her answer "dear...just tie it in anyway. as long as you are confortable and it doesn't fall off".
So.. i just looped the it around.
Felt like a nun.

Then came the MRI.
She pushed me into the machine and told me not to move.
Actually I didn't have any space to move.
My head was cushioned at the sides giving me no space to move.
30 minutes only she said.

How hard can that be right>
Just close my eyes and sleep.
Dont' move? no problem!

So wrong!
After 10 mins, I was starting to fidget.
The machine had noises and they were just giving me a headache.
I was so tempted to press the emergency button cos I couldn't take it.
I had to force myself to think of highlands...parks... beach.
The more I forced myself to think, the more painful my head.
And then my stomach began to feel queasy.
Not good.
A little more.
Just hang it there.
Think of Solomon.
Think of Bobby.

Finally, I couldn't take it.
I was about to press the button to call the technician when I heard to door open!
Phew!
Relief!

Changed into my clothes and hurriedly walked back to my ward.
And then the vomitting began.
A total of 3 times.
Nauseous the whole day until 11pm when I tried to sleep.
When I finally dosed off, there was this man who was screaming at the top of his lungs.
Arguing with every single nurse.
And the nurses were shouting at him in return.
Somehow, I managed to doze off.
Only to be woken up every 2 hours by the nurses to check for body temperature and blood pressure.
I'm fine!
I'm not sick!
I'm only here so that my insurance would pay for my expenses!
Bah!

So...after all that pain and aguish, I've got good and bad news.
MRI shows a perfectly normal vascular system.
that means nothing wrong with my blood vessels.
One possible cause ruled out.

Doc said maybe it's my sinus blockage.
Did a second nose scope.
Nopes...not that.

At this point, he said "I honestly do not know what is wrong with you".
"Take some valium at night so you can rest.
I'll give you MC for a week. Just take a break. Are you stressed?"
Me : NO! I have very good stress management... (I think!).
Doc : Come back next week and let's see if you still hear them. Try ignoring it. Our brains are very powerful. It exaggerates.
Me : Ok..

So.. yea.. going back next week.
I still hear the sounds.
Sometimes even in the office.
It's more 'wooshing' now. Like wind in a cave.
Especially when I bend down.
And at nights.
But I've found an angle where I can sleep without hearing it.
It's just annoying to be greeted every morning by 'dut-dut... dut-dut'.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Bobby's skin is getting better.
He's so adorable..

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Wathced Transformers.
2 times!
Entertaining.

bex

A night in the hospital

I'll be staying in Sunway Medical Centre for a night tomorrow (Monday).
No.. nothing serious.
No one died either.
I just need to do a MRA for my ear.
Went for follow up on saturday and the pulse is still there.
So the doc has ordered an MRA (something like MRI).
For insurance purposes, I would need to stay for a night.
I'm gonna be so bored... cos i'm not sick!
I just have this 'pulsatile tinnitus'.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I've said yes for the Sarawak mission trip! =)

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

My dog (Bobby) has pimples!
Yikes!
A visit to the vet today just costed me (actually..my family. it's a family dog....so everyone must share the cost right??) RM 87!!!
His shampoo alone was RM 42!!!
That's twice the amount im paing for MY own shampoo!!
And then there's his antibiotics..
Sigh..
Like i'm not broke enough already.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Happy Father's Day!
Haven't celebrated it yet cos daddy is busy in office working out his taxes.
No, i can't help cos i'm still a useless tax consultant.

Bex

Friday!

It's Friday!

Happy!


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

God works in very strange ways.
Or He likes eavesdropping into my THOUGHTS!
(Which I don't quite mind.. well, unless i'm thinking not-your-average-clean-thoughts).

When Justin told me bout a mission trip to Sarawak 2 months ago, I had the inclination to go.
I just brushed it off.
Cos I will have classes then, I will have no money, I've already gone for the last mission trip to Thailand.
All kind of excuses la!

I was thinking bout it few days ago again.
Not heavy thinking.
But the thought would just pass by.
And it's like this nagging thing that you have.
But as usual, I brushed it off giving all kind of excuses.
(In retrospect, no wonder I decided not to continue studying - so that got more time and money to other things that matter more)

Yesterday, Justin just emailed me and asked if I wanted to go.
Out of the blue!

See, what struck me as strange is that I've not been telling anyone bout my toughts at all!

I still haven't given him my final answer.
Cos I'm pending Solomon's decision on whether he's taking me for holiday in August.
But I think God's hand is on this mission trip and He's paving a way for me to go.

God, you are so strange... but I love You for it!

bex

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

After I wrote this post, I went to my daily devotion website (http://www.rbc.org/utmost/index.php).

And this is the devotion for the day!

The wind really was boisterous and the waves really were high, but Peter didn’t see them at first. He didn’t consider them at all; he simply recognized his Lord, stepped out in recognition of Him, and "walked on the water." Then he began to take those things around him into account, and instantly, down he went. Why couldn’t our Lord have enabled him to walk at the bottom of the waves, as well as on top of them? He could have, yet neither could be done without Peter’s continuing recognition of the Lord Jesus.

We step right out with recognition of God in some things, then self-consideration enters our lives and down we go. If you are truly recognizing your Lord, you have no business being concerned about how and where He engineers your circumstances. The things surrounding you are real, but when you look at them you are immediately overwhelmed, and even unable to recognize Jesus. Then comes His rebuke, ". . . why did you doubt?" ( Matthew 14:31 ). Let your actual circumstances be what they may, but keep recognizing Jesus, maintaining complete reliance upon Him.

If you debate for even one second when God has spoken, it is all over for you. Never start to say, "Well, I wonder if He really did speak to me?" Be reckless immediately— totally unrestrained and willing to risk everything— by casting your all upon Him. You do not know when His voice will come to you, but whenever the realization of God comes, even in the faintest way imaginable, be determined to recklessly abandon yourself, surrendering everything to Him. It is only through abandonment of yourself and your circumstances that you will recognize Him. You will only recognize His voice more clearly through recklessness— being willing to risk your all.

Faith.. even the slightest.
Not dismissing God even if it's the faintest.
Eh God, how you know I will be reading it today?
How did you know to place it there to coincide with my thoughts and small little struggle in trusting you!?
Seriously... God, you are strange...
But now.. I love you even more!

Bex

Give me a restraining order... NOW!

Nichii is having sale..
Starting today.
Up to 70% off.
I is want to go... NOW!
When would money start to grow on trees?

Bex

Credit Crunch

Read http://shobanjraveen.blogspot.com/ on his 'Credit Crunch' (16 June) entry.

It would put things in a different light. =)

Sleep driving

On Monday, I drove home from work.
I stopped at a traffic light.
Looked around wondering what the sequence was.

The next thing i know, someone was blaring his honk at me.
Huh?

I'd fallen asleep on the wheel!

I looked ahead.
There was a huge gap between me and the front car.

That means, the car behind has been honking me for some time.

Sigh.

I've lost the stamina to drive at night.
As soon as i get into my car, fatigues steps in.

I blame this on Solo.
He pampers me too much.
When I was studying (or slogging), the only time i would actually get a good rest was in his car as he drives me for dinner.
I think my brain has programmed my body to sleep in the car.

It used to happen only at night.
But in recent weeks, I have to fight sleep even in the morning.

So far, thank God, nothing has happened.
There has been many near misses... but the angels are keeping me and my Lisa safe.

I need to work on my stamina.
This 'disease' is hindering my social life

Like yesteday, I had to turn Solomon's invitation down to go to TARC CF for fear that i would not be able to drive home later.

Solo is pretty much freaked out also.
Cos he stays on the line with me as i drive to accompany me.
And i'd be talking gibberish, scolding him for no reason or just screaming when i'm sleep driving.

Poor him..
But it's all his fault!!

Bex

1 down..

Finished CFP Module 1 yesterday!
Woo hoo!
It went ok.
Had some tough questions.
Results out in August i think!

I shall force myself to enjoy and NOT stress for ONE week.
Just ONE.

And then i will think of what else to study.

Will be deferring my CFP modules for a while.
I think.
Not conclusive just yet.

I think I'm addicted to exams.

ENJOY I MUST..
for.. ONE week.

Actually..i think i need to learn how to have fun!

bex

Tired but still going on

I've been sleeping very little lately.
Sleep around 11pm.
Wake up at 2am.
Work.
Sleep at 5.30am.
Wake up at 6.00am.
Get ready for work.
Work till bout 6.30pm.
Dinner.
Study till 9.30pm.
Go home.
Shower.
Sleep.

How am I sustaining myself?
My head feels light and it takes a lot of focus to be in control of my words, thoughts and emotions.
When I'm tired, I get cranky and snappy.
Or I just lose focus and start talking incoherently.

But I believe God is pushing me.
Keeping me.
Every morning as I drive, I know I have to spend time in His presence.
Just to draw from His well every morning.
To date, I'm ok.
I don't know bout tomorrow.
Thank you Lord.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

There was a fire drill today.
Bell rang.
I saved my work.
Closed my computer.
Packed my purse and phone.
Took the painful steps down 11 floors.
My wound had actually stopped bleeding this morning.
I could see that it was alraedy dried and no expose raw flesh.
The walk today must have reversed the healing process.
Cos I checked, and I saw a patch of blood on my sole.
Sigh.

Someone I know had the time to change into sport shoes before walking down.
The walk down was so slow and long.
Seriously, if there was a real fire, I'd be dead by now.
Bottlenecks on the stairs.

I didn't realise there were so many people in these 2 towers till today.
Thousands and thousands!

Felt like school all over again!
Hehe...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I did a very hard thing today.
I prayed for someone for her exam.
I don't know why I struggled with it.
I have done well in this exam and perhaps wished to stay so.
Pride...lots of pride.
I'm a bad Christian.
Sigh.
I prayed anyways.
The same prayer that I would always pray for myself.
I must...need to learn to not lean on success.
I can't describe why i struggled to pray.
I just did.
Oh well..
Maybe i'm just tired.

Bex

It's Friday!

This is the most relaxing Friday ever!

Normally, on Fridays, I will be rushing to CG straight after work.

Tired, hungry and sleepy.

Most of the times, by Friday, my energy will be zapped.

And then i would have to wait till Sunday to recharge... spritually and physically.

After my last blog entry, I could really feel a difference.

Even with the little sleep, I felt somewhat revived.

There was better focus and my ear didnt annoy me that much.

In fact, yesterday, there was a time where the pulse disappeared for a while.

Just for 5 seconds.

I really appreciated that 5 seconds of peace.

Thank you Lord for answering my prayer.

Once again, it reminds me that nothing is too small or silly for our Lord.

Imagine, the same God who built the universe, raise the dead...actually listens to our petty cries!

Isn't His love just so amazing?

Hmm.. I feel a long entry cominng.

Will keep it short.

So, here I am in Starbucks, One Utama Old Wing.

Taking a break.

Solomon is in front of me... lazing on the couch, preparing for his Sunday worship.

I just finished choreographing the activity for B.O.M.B tomorrow.

Tomorrow's topic is bout keeping the flame after camp.

I didn't go for camp this year but it;s my turn to plan the activity for youth service.

Lord, please move in service tomorrow!

Keep the flame alive in us Lord!

So anyways,... it's so relaxing here.

The past few weeks, after work, I have been sitting in MPH studying for my CFP exam which is next Saturday! yikes!

It's been hectic and draining.

Today, I decided to give myself a break.

No studies. No work.

Just spend time brainstorming with Solomon and enjoying each other's company.

Something we rarely do.

Cos we are both just so busy.

I just can't stop thinking bout how relaxing today is!

I wish everyday could be like this.

No rush. No "quick quick..i got things to do!"

In college, I thought that I would be able to spend more time with Solomon once I start working cos I wouldn't be so worried bout studying all the time.

When I started working, I became busy with work, church and my CFP course. Once again, no time to spend with him.

Was feeling rather guilty bout it.

Talking bout guilt... that's another long post for another day.

Solomon has been a very patient partner.

Always accomodating to my busyness and limited time.

Willing to put up with my temper when I'm stressed (which is most of the time).

Creative when it comes to thinking of how to spend the little time we have together e.g. half and hour lunches or dinner, the short distance from my office to my car in the parking lot, etc.

Calm when I get all confused which happens very often.

Forgiving even though I've hurt him beyond measure with my stupidity.

Funny when I need a hearty laugh.

Serious when I need a heart-to-heart talk.

(No... he's not going to buy me any shoes for writing all these good stuff bout him!)

So Solomon, this post is dedicated to you!

Thanks for always being there!

Hugs!

Us at Genting - Dec 2008

Just a little, Lord!

Dear Lord,

Good morning.
If it's not too much to ask, please sustain me today.
Give me the strength I need to work.
Give me the alertness to focus and not make mistakes,
All I need is just a little of your grace Lord and it will be more than sufficient for me.
Please do not let my ear go 'dut-dut... dut-dut...'
Please also take the pain away from my left foot cos it really hurts and I can't work.
Thanks Lord.
Hope you're not too busy.

Your child,
Rebecca

*dut dut dut*

Ear still pulsating.
Headache.
Nauseous.
Help!!!!!

bex

Needs and wants

I want so many things.
One of them is to travel and start MY own life.
But to be honest, I think I don't have the guts.
I want to go out.
Gain from the forex.
But I can't.
Who will continue the work here if everyone leaves?
It's not my work but His.
I'm at His disposal.
Maybe i'm not needed.
If that's the case, why am I so reluctant to go?
It's hard.
The mind wants something but the hearts wants something else.
Fear i think.

I miss Norfolk park and the smell of the grass.

Goodnight

For the final time...
Good night!

bex

Vascular Tinnitus

Pulsatile Tinnitus
Sometimes a tinnitus noise beats in time with your pulse. This is called pulsatile or vascular tinnitus. Approximately 3% of tinnitus patients experience this kind of tinnitus; people with pulsatile tinnitus typically hear a rhythmic pulsing, often in time with a heartbeat. The most common cause of pulsatile tinnitus is arterial turbulence, a noisy blood flow caused by plaques or kinks in the arteries in the head or neck. It can be made worse if there is also hypertension. Many forms of pulsatile tinnitus are treatable.

Here is a list of the possible causes of pulsatile tinnitus:

• Arteriovenous malformations (AVMs.) AVMs are abnormal collections of arteries and veins that sometimes occur within the cranial cavity near the auditory nerve. AVM pulsation against the auditory nerve stimulates the nerve, resulting in a pulsating tinnitus.
• Carotid artery-cavernous sinus fistula. This is an abnormal connection between a very large artery and a very large venous pool within the cranial cavity. It is usually the result of severe head trauma. Treatment is nonsurgical, requiring the services of a radiologist.
• Chronic inflammation and/or infection of the middle ear. Chronic inflammation is almost always accompanied by increased blood flow to the inflamed tissue; since this tissue is in the ear, some people are able to hear the increase in blood flow.
• Middle ear fluid. The middle ear is normally an air-filled space. If, due to infection, inflammation or eustachian tube dysfunction, fluid accumulates behind the middle ear then pulsating tinnitus may result.
• Vascular tumors in the middle ear. These are most commonly referred to as glomus tumors or paragangliomas. They are benign but can be troublesome and surgery is required for correction of this problem.
• Venous hum. Patients who are pregnant, anemic, or have thyroid problems may develop increased blood flow through the largest vein in the neck, the jugular vein. The jugular vein carries blood from the brain back to the heart; in so doing, it traverses the middle ear. Turbulent blood flow anywhere in the course of the jugular vein can be heard in the middle ear as a "hum" which may or may not fluctuate with the pulse. Correction or resolution of the underlying problem often results in improvement.

The good news...
Many patients recover spontaneously - with or without treatment - during the first 6 months of suffering.

So..wait wait wait..

Bex

Sleepy

It's 1.43 am.
And I'm still awake.
My drowsy medicines not working.
Hmmph...
But then, based on me medical history, I will only feel the effects during the day.
Which is why I do not eat medicines.

Ear is still pulsating.
I feel high.
Maybe it's time to sleep and continue working in office.
Good night world.

Bex